I think this blog has run its course. Or maybe, I have run my course with it.

The month since my last post is one sign. Another is that I realize now that the month off was rooted, I think, in a bout of significant depression.

Since June I have applied for more than 200 jobs. I rarely even get a rejection letter in response. Employers have their pick of so many applicants for every position, it’s ridiculous.

I have gotten my fair share of interviews, even second interviews. The results, however, have all been the same.

Yesterday I got a rejection e-mail from a job for which I did two interviews and a massive “sample” research project. You are great, they said, you could not have made a better impression. We just went with someone we liked even more.

I sincerely believe I would have been great at that job. In the same way, I would have excelled at about 10 jobs that have come my way and then gone to others of late. I am tired of getting my hopes up.

And I am tired of having no money. I borrowed a friend’s brand new laptop the other day, marveled at the speed with which you can edit a folder full of pictures when you have 4GB of RAM, and went home to start running custom hardware profiles on a couple of manufacturer websites. I could build a screaming machine for $1,200, I found.

And then it hits me: I don’t have the price of a sandwich to spare. My wife and kids will get mostly coupons and dollar-store presents this holiday season. I had to cash in the pennies in my jar last week to change my car’s oil. I’m not getting a new laptop any time soon. In fact I have no idea when things will change.

Well, that’s not quite true. I do know things will be changing fairly soon. I am running out of unemployment benefits. Barring some sort of federal intervention, that will make life a lot more difficult.

And so for maybe the last month I have felt myself draw in. There have even been a few days when I never really woke up. I’d plant myself in front of the TV and just sort of zone while the Really Screwed Up People paraded before me, getting their small-claims cases adjudicated or getting their DNA tested to establish paternity, or worse. I started looking at the commercials — for ambulance-chasing lawyers, power chairs, diabetes supplies and job-training schools — and wondering just how long it would be before I really fit the profile the advertisers were seeking.

I remembered telling myself that when I caught myself watching the judge shows I was in trouble, and wondering what I meant.

Thankfully, this latest rejection has stirred something in me. I have decided to time to get off the damn couch has come.

I am going to write a book.

It’s a book that I have been kicking around for years now, making notes, thinking about damn near every day. I have some stuff written down but not nearly enough. I have actually edited books, so I know what it will take. Lots of hard work. Months of it. Or more.

But the time has come, I think. While I am still getting paid just to look for work, I am going to start putting my book together for real as well.

Maybe it will sell and I will solve my money problems. Or maybe it will just engage my brain in a way it has not been engaged for a while. We shall see.

But I don’t feel as though this blog is part of when I am going. I want to stay focused on this One Big Project. And for the moment, finding a job is going to take a back seat.

Thanks for reading. My special thanks to the friend who prompted me to start this blog in the first place. It has helped me keep my wits about me.

Hopefully one day you’ll see a really cool book and when you start to read it you’ll think, hey, I recognize this guy’s style. It’s him!

Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions (or want to get on the free-copy list), you can email me at:

unstop83293@mypacks.net

Thanks for reading. See you around the galaxy.

***

Some jobs that I have applied for, and been rejected for, are being advertised again.

Either I’ve been at this longer than I think, or those employers made some pretty bad decisions.

Does it reflect on them, I wonder? Or did they just get snookered?

1 Daytime TV. You quickly get a very sad picture of this country, from the shows but even worse for the ads for job training, ambulance-chasing lawyers, snake oil medicines and those folks who can get you a power chair through Medicare, maybe. You have to ask yourself, am I really part of this audience? Save your video hours for the one or two shows actually worth watching, and DVDs from the library, which won’t cost you unless you bring them back late.

And if you catch yourself watching any of the judge shows, flush your remote. I believe the shows exist to make us feel better about ourselves, by parading plaintiffs and defendants before us whose lives suck even worse than ours. Someone who bought a used car wants a refund because the ‘78 Impala died three days after the check cleared. A woman who kicked out her deadbeat boyfriend but left his cell phone in her name because “he needed it.” And sometimes even poeple dragged before Judge Whoever — there seems to be an endless supply — because they punched outsomeone or took a hammer to their car. You turn off the set feeling unclean.

2 - Overcarpentering. Sure, now that I’m home I have the time I kept wishing for to reorganize that closet, move that shelf, replace that light switch. Fine. Do what you need to do to keep the household functioning. But it’s easy to get into fix-it mode and just stay there, as opposed to, say, looking for work. More online applications to file, the ones where they make you re-type your entire work history even though you also uploaded a resume? Oh wait, that doorknob upstairs was coming loose again. And that one blind has never hung straight….

3 - The Wicked, Wicked Internet. I saw a cartoon once that captured my sentiments about the Web perfectly. There was a guy sitting at a desk with a stack of stuff on it labeled BUSINESS, and off to one side was a carnival barker and a pretty girl throwing confetti and waving for him to come over. It seems that about half the people who read reddit check it at least 125 times daily. (I’m not saying which half I’m in). Whoe spisodes of TV shgows on Hulu, Keith Olbermann’s Worst Person’s from yesterday. The computer can be an even worse time sucker than the TV, because it reaches back.

4 - Blogging. Take it from me.

I did a little freelance job back when I was still employed, a favor for a friend really. As a token payment they offered me $100. Sure, I said.

Yesterday in the mail I got a check, along with an effusive apology from my friend for letting my invoice sit on her desk for so long.

No harm done, I said.

And then I realized: My life has really changed since spring.

This hundred bucks is huge.

I can buy a bottle of the good rum.

I can cover the credit card bill for the mp3 player I bought my son yesterday, to replace the one I broke while clumsily trying to open the battery cover.

I can go to the gourmet market and buy one of those monster chickens, the ones that have been free-ranged and had a pretty nice life (except for the last day), and whose flavor makes those pale little commercial birds seem like cardboard. (We really should be ashamed of what we do to chickens in this country.)

I can — gasp - go to a restaurant for lunch, and overtip. (I’m ex-food service. We always overtip, when we can.)

I can think about inviting friends over to watch football on Sunday, without worrying about where the money for beer and chips will come from.

I can buy socks.

And I don’t have to be sheepish and embarrassed, for the rest of the week at least, when my kids ask for lunch money.

Was I spoiled before, back when a measly hundred bucks for a side job seemed to make no difference?

I don’t think so. I think I’ve always appreciated doing the things listed here.

I just haven’t been able to do them in a while, not all at once anyways.

So in a little while I’ll be headed out on my wild spree.

But first I have some applications to file.

Hey, the UC system really was up and running at 2:30. My claim was filed by 2:35. And since I’m set up for direct deposit, the money hit my checking account this morning.

Woo-hoo!

I never really thought much about UC during all the years I was paying into the system, or generating wealth for companies that paid in.

The only time, before this, that UC entered my life was several years back, when I was a manager and the time came to get rid of an employee who was screwing up every assignment they were given. (Note the use of “they” by a stickly grammarian, to disguise gender.)

I met with my supervisor and we reviewed my well-documented record of the employee’s screw-ups. Now, I’m a pretty laid back guy. But we were at the point where I would give this employee specific instructions: “Do A; DO  NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, DO B INSTEAD.” And back they would come with B, and not even done very well.

The supervisor and I looked at the documentation I’d collected as we tried to decide whether to flat-out fire this person. Sadly, I had collected a pile of data on this person’s mistakes without even trying, just by hanging onto my emails and their work-product.

But the supervisor said: “You know, it’s pretty rough out there. I bet (worker) could use a little help finding a new job.” And we laid them off instead.

Now that I’m on this end of the equation, I am glad we were humane, even when dealing with someone who made us pull our hair out.

For me UC means the house note is paid, the utilities are paid, and we can still afford to buy the organic veggies. It means I have a few months to just hunker down and find me a new way of life.

I hope to take what I’m learning from this period, humbling though it may be, into whatever new situations I find.

Now granted, this freedom is only possible because my health insurance is taken care of. If I didn’t have that, I’d be screwed.

I was always a believer in universal health care, but now I’m asking, how can they possibly expect the unemployed to get by without it? Oh, wait, I know the answer: “They” don’t.

Lindsey Graham should try living like this for a few months. Maybe it would change his mind.

The over-under on this is 6 p.m.

It’s getting to be a regular part of Sunday: Log into the UC system and apply for last week.

It makes a lot of sense to do this online. The phone system in this state is awful. The local paper looked at the records and found that something like 86 percent of callers got hung up on.

So a little while ago I used the last of the coffee in the house to brew up one last cup, topped it off with the last of the milk, and logged on to file my weekly claim.

But it didn’t work.

After logging in and clicking “I understand” on the page that threatens me with all kinds of hell if I lie to obtain benefits, I got a screen informing me that the system was down. Should be up and running again, the page said, by 12:45.

At 1:00 I logged in again and saw the same page, only now the “up and running time” is 1:30.

You know, at my last job, I would have gotten fired for stuff like that. Thankfully I was laid off instead, so I can collect unemploy…

Oh, never mind.

My wants in life, really, are pretty meager. That is one of the things that has sustained me during this lean time. I am not interested in a flat screen TV or a new car, or even cable TV.

But today I ran out of money anyway.

I’ve gotten by on my severance, and on a little bit scratched off the top of my UC checks (the rest goes to pesky mortgage and food costs). I had a few bucks, just a few, but enough to keep me afloat to this point.

Today I decided to walk to the store and buy a soda, to break up a hot and busy afternoon, and realized I could not afford it.

I went for the walk anyway. It was a good excuse to get out, run some errands and pump some iron. But walking away from the gym I saw the Gatorade machine in the lobby and realized all over again that, while my major needs are met for the time being, I cannot afford to partake in whatever image Jordan and Tiger have been pumping at me all these years. I don’t have the dollar.

Granted, this comes after I spent a good wad of cash this weekend on a barbecue for friends and family. I know where it all went.

But that didn’t take all the sting out of looking at the convenience store on the corner and feeling shut out, not just from there but from something…. bigger.

It’s not the first time I’ve faced this. But I sorta thought those times were all behind me.

Sigh.

Thank god for free wi-fi.

So, I’ve gotten about 100 rejection letters or emails since I started this process.

I guess it’s better than the 20 or so who just never bothered to contact me.

But I am seeing some patterns in the language used in those messages. I think I’ve got it figured out:

“We had many excellent candidates but unfortunately were unable to go to the next stage of the process with all of them.”

— You didn’t make the first cut, loser.

“We decided to go with a candidate whose qualifications more closely matched the job description.”

— Why did you waste our time applying for this?

“Your background and accomplishments are impressive, but we felt that perhaps this position was more suitable for a candidate interested in building those sorts of credentials for himself or herself.”

— This one either means “you’re too damn old” or “We hired someone we could pay half as much,” depending.

“While we are unable to offer you the position for which you applied, we are very interested in pursuing a future relationship with you.”

— We don’t want to pay you full-time or get stuck footing the bill for your benefits. How does 10 hours a week grab you?

“We have decided to extend the search.”

— All the resumes we got sucked, including yours.

“Due to changes in our internal situation, the position is no longer available.”

— Damn it, they told us we were SURE to get that grant.

“We have decided to fill the position from within.”

— The boss’ son just graduated from college and can’t find a job either.

“We have decided to parse out the duties identified by this job description among existing staff.”

— We’re going broke and working here is going to be hell for those who are left.

“We have reconfigured the job description to the point where a fresh round of candidates is desirable.”

— Our company is so screwed up we can’t make a decision and stick with it. Do yourself a favor and run, as fast as you can.

Sigh.